It seems everytime I get close to someone I find a good way to and fuck it up. I'm starting to believe that this is part of being human; when things get going good we have to find a way to fail. Maybe this is more my own condition though.
Analytical time.
There's this girl, who I've known now for almost half a year, I'm borderline in love with her but everytime the going gets good I find a way to screw it up. What do I have to do to keep things going smoothly? Well let's see... Firstly, I have to become more aware of my self-destructive tendencies and do something to curb them. I'm beginning to wonder if gluttony is my crime. Maybe I want too much all at the same time. I am willing to do drastic things to stop this.
I find that while writing my thoughts are very spastic, and what I think is what I write. Though I'm ok with this because it's part of my belief that you should say what you think, as opposed to think before you speak. Wow, random.
Anyways, when it comes to jobs I had it pretty good going and I've been lucky, but with many other endeavours I take on, when things get going good I find a way to screw them up. Maybe I ought to stop being so hard on myself. Maybe I should stop expecting so much. But if I don't expect the best of myself then how can I assume that others will see the best I have to offer?
More than anything though I just want things to work out with this lady. She is everything I have ever wanted and probably things I don't even know I want yet. She is not something I want to second guess. My previous partner shared with me so many things that have made me compatible with my new match and I am greatful for that, she used to tell me "I've got reservations about so many things, but not about you" and this is how I feel about this new girl. There are so many things in my life I would rather avoid than deal with; with the exception of her. I just want to get to a point where we can have something more than what we have now. It might be unfair, but I feel like I place my future success on the well-being of this relationship.
I need guidance from someone who has known me unlike anyone else has but I am too bloody reluctant to ask. I find myself praying (for the first time in ages) to give me good fortune in my future, and I figure more than anything, that saying a prayer is a good way to become more self-aware of the situation. I'm not sure what I believe in, but at the very least I want to be able to believe in myself.
/end lament
Regards,
The Rebel
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